When did it all go wrong?
by SpellboundSparkle
Summary: Dan and Phil are together, but lately Phil can feel Dan slipping away. With constant assurances from his boyfriend that he's worthless and no good for anyone, can Phil convince himself otherwise? Can anyone?
1. Chapter 1

Phil's eyes twitched open, and he immediately yanked them close in pain. An intense bright light was shining directly in his eyes. More cautiously this time, he inched his eyes open a fraction at a time, each time allowing them to get used to the light. The cause of the light was clear – Dan was standing over him, shining a torch in his eyes, a furious expression on his face.

"Phil! Why the hell is there still dirty washing in the sink?" He yelled. Phil flinched away from his voice, fear evident in his bright blue eyes. Only months ago, Dan would have stopped at the pain in his eyes, but now he went straight past it.

"Do you expect to do all the fucking work in this house? You're pathetic and lazy! I don't even know why I'm still with you. You don't deserve me. Maybe I should go find someone who does…" Dan got up and walked off, without even looking back. Phil struggled with the duvet, wincing at a horrible ache spread across his entire body. He looked down at himself. His chest was completely covered in black and blue bruises. Where had all these come from? Oh…

Not caring about himself at that moment, Phil raced after Dan, ignoring his pain.

"Dan! Wait!" Dan stopped and seemed to take a deep breath. He turned around with a snarl.

"What? Why should I wait for you? Why should I even stay with you?"

"Dan, I know I don't deserve you," Phil said shakily, "but I love you. You can find anyone you want, but they'll never love you as much as I do."

Something inside Dan snapped. Phil could see it; something in his eyes finally fractured.

"Well I don't love you!" He screamed back. Phil didn't recognise the boy in front of him – he certainly wasn't the same person he fell in love with. But despite everything, Phil still loved him. Dan blamed him for everything. Dan yelled. But Phil still loved him. Even when he beat him, Phil still loved him. He'd even had to go to hospital once, but Phil had loved him, so he said he'd fallen down the stairs. The doctors looked sceptical, but didn't question it.

Now, as Phil looked at his boyfriend, he felt absolute terror- but still he felt absolute love.

"But Dan…" Phil pleaded.

"Don't – talk to me." He whispered, that once beautiful voice sounding insane and cracked. "I'm going out. Don't follow me, or you'll regret it." Dan's voice was low and bleak, no love left for his ebony-haired boyriend.

"When will you be back?" Phil whispered fearfully.

"I don't know. Whenever I feel like it."

The door slammed behind him, leaving Phil all alone, covered in bruises.

Again.


	2. Chapter 2

Phil stood frozen in the hall for a long while. This wasn't the first time he'd been woken up by Dan yelling. That at least had been no different. But Phil couldn't rid himself of the image in his head of those shattered chocolate brown eyes. Those eyes had never shattered, never seemed cruel before…

It was all his fault he kept telling himself. If he'd been a better boyfriend, maybe Dan would still love him; maybe he wouldn't have finally cracked under the pressure of everything.

Phil's mind jumped back to the way they'd first met. He'd been reading comments on one of his YouTube videos and the name had jumped out at him. 'Danisnotonfire'. He'd thought at the time that it was probably just some weirdo; who chose a name like 'danisnotonfire'? But then he'd read the comment. Phil had sensed something different about this youtuber.

A few weeks after the first comment, Phil received a tweet from a twitter account with the same name. He'd tweeted him back. Gradually, they'd discovered they had a lot alike, and started skyping each other.

And then came the day they'd first met up, face to face. Phil remembered even then, how'd he taken one look at Dan and thought how beautiful he was. And how lucky he was that one day, once they'd moved in together how Dan had told him the same thing.

He was still incredibly lucky to have someone as amazing as Dan in his life, Phil thought with a sigh, as his mind drifted to darker, more recent times. But Dan wasn't lucky enough to have someone worth him – so he got Phil instead. About five months ago, he and Dan had announced to YouTube that they were together as a couple. Most of the responses had been supporting and caring, but a small population had taken it upon themselves to mock them and try and make them feel guilty for the way they were.

Phil had been able to ignore this – he didn't care what other people thought. Nothing mattered, apart from the fact that Dan was his, and he was Dan's. But Dan couldn't ignore it. He'd been too insecure about himself for too long – bullying in primary school had left him with next to no self-esteem. So one night, after watching a movie together, Dan had started an argument. Phil couldn't even remember what it was about – something about subscribers? It hadn't been important; At least, Phil had constantly reassured himself it wasn't – couples fight all the time, don't they?.

But soon after, Dan had started throwing in little quips. Quips that Phil was a bad boyfriend. That he had no uses or talents. He'd thought at the time he didn't deserve them. Of course, he now realised he did – when was Dan ever wrong?

But the new attitude didn't stop at the comments. Phil had woken up one morning to hear Dan swearing in the kitchen. The swearing in the kitchen wasn't new – it was almost routine. No, what was new was Dan thumping his fist against the wall with all his strength. There had been blood running down his knuckles, and a large dent in the wall, Phil remembered with a shudder. Phil had gone to try and calm him down- and Dan completely lost control and punched him in the jaw. Phil instantly forgave him – despite not being able to talk properly with a cracked jaw, and his throat choking him from holding back sobs of pain; but sitting in A&E, Phil had never forgotten the hollow, empty look in his boyfriend's eyes - how could he forget, when the look hadn't been absent from his eyes since?

Looking back, Phil realised this was where their relationship had changed. Not necessarily for good or for bad, but simply changed. After the cracked jaw, Dan had started taking his anger out on him more and more. It had hurt at times, but Phil was grateful he could help Dan. Even if it was just as his punching bag.

Dan had told him the truth as well. He was talentless. Worthless. No good at anything. The truth hurt as well, often more than the physical beatings, but at least he was going through life knowing the truth. Better the truth than some misguided conception that you actually had some worth, right?

Phil walked back into the bedroom and began making the bed. He'd really messed up this time. This was the fifth time that Dan had gone storming off. He'd counted how long it took him to calm down each time, and each time the wait had gotten longer. Each time he'd sat on the sofa and not moved, no matter how long he took. He didn't get up for the toilet. He didn't eat or drink. Phil simply sat and hoped that Dan would calm down and come back. Phil simply sat and worried about if he was lost, or hurt, or lying beaten in an alley somewhere. It was on the news all over the time, gay and bisexual men found dying in streets, where they'd just been beaten half-dead and left there. And Dan wasn't exactly low-profile was he? He had over _eight hundred thousand_ subscribers on YouTube. So Phil sat on the slightly lumpy sofa, and waited.

Eight hours. That was exactly how long Dan had been gone for. It was now three in the afternoon. Phil hadn't eaten anything since last night. The meal last night hadn't exactly been substantial either. Dan had started shouting less than halfway through it. He'd picked up Phil's plate and thrown it against the wall. Then the boy Phil loved had turned around and beaten him unconscious. Maybe he should go to the hospital. Some of those bruises did look pretty bad... but he had to wait for Dan first. Then he could make an excuse – pretend he was going to see PJ perhaps, and sneak off to the hospital to get himself checked. He'd never tell them what actually happened. He'd never tell anyone. He loved Dan too much for that.

Phil almost jumped out of his seat – his phone had just vibrated, signifying he had a text. It was from Chris.

_**Phil, you need to get over here. Dan's here – Chris**_

Phil shoved his phone in his pocket and ran out; desperate to see the boy he loved.


	3. Chapter 3

PJ answered the door. Before him stood Phil, shuddering and gasping for breath – he'd run the entire way from his and Dan's flat by the look of it. There was something different about the man in front of him - he was thinner, and paler; much paler than usual. For some obscure reason, he was dressed like it was winter – despite it being the middle of July. Even his neck was securely wrapped up and hidden away in a scarf.

"Is Dan here?" Phil asked desperately.

"Err…" PJ had still been studying the pale man in front of him – the words shocked him back into gear. "Yea, come in, he's in the living room."

Phil walked in anxiously, almost afraid of what might he might see – a thousand scenarios from dying, to drunk, to accepting drugs from random strangers ran through his head. Dan didn't think about what he was doing when he was angry – he would use any method to relieve himself of the burning anger.

Dan lay on the couch, thinking about what he'd done. He'd ran out and left his boyfriend alone for eight hours, and for what? So he could rid himself of anger he shouldn't have had in the first place? His eyes squinted open and he saw Phil. A huge wave of relief washed over him. He'd thought he'd lost him – why had he said all those horrible things? Done all those horrible things? It pained to think it wasn't the first time he'd done it either.

He never could stop himself from doing it; he felt awful afterwards, but in those few minutes Dan couldn't control what came out of his mouth. It almost felt… _good_ to degrade Phil, to make somebody else feel what he'd been feeling his whole life.

Why did that someone have to be Phil though? A voice in his head asked. What's your boyfriend ever done to deserve this? He's sweet and loving. Why does he deserve to suffer the way you did?

And Dan couldn't answer that voice. He'd never been able to. Phil _didn't _deserve any of it. He still received it though. Dan had never once stopped in his beatings, never once said sorry afterwards…

Phil breathed a sigh of relief. Dan was safe. He always was, and he always would be. Phil didn't know if he could cope if something happened to Dan. Phil walked forward with new hope in his step – maybe this time would be different? He dragged Dan to his feet. A flash of anger entered Dan's eyes for a moment, but it left as quickly as it had come. Phil was only trying to help him. Not push or drag him around. He needed to calm down.

Luckily Phil hadn't noticed the look of rage – but he was the only one who hadn't. PJ and Chris, who had been quietly standing in the corner, looked at each other curiously. What was going on?

"Come on Dan, we should be getting home." Phil said quickly, anxious to get away before Chris or PJ could notice there was anything wrong.

With another quick glance at each other, Chris stepped forward.

"How about you hang out here for a bit? We haven't seen you guys in ages!"

Phil looked around desperately for an excuse – the longer they stayed, the more likely one of them would discover his bruising.

But before he could give an excuse, Dan replied "Great! We'd love to, _wouldn't we Phil?_" His sentence ended threateningly, and Phil visibly flinched away.

"Y-Yeah! Of course!" He stuttered out, before falling silent.

"Great! Dan I need your help in the kitchen with some snacks Dan." Chris called, already walking away. Dan shuffled after him, glancing back at Phil with a warning in his eyes.

Once Dan had left the room, Phil sagged on the couch, completely defeated. PJ looked at the man in front of him. Only months ago, he'd been bubbly and full of life. Now he looked drained of energy and life.

"Phil, are you okay? You really don't look that good…"

Phil glanced up, his eyes full of pain; "Yeah… fine…"

He looked away again, a smooth mask covering his emotions. As he did so, the scarf around his neck shifted slightly, and a small area of blotchy black bruising became visible to the eye. PJ reached over and pulled the scarf down a bit more. More and more bruising was exposed as the scarf moved.

"Phil; what happened?" PJ asked, horrified.

Phil jumped and realised what PJ had been doing. His eyes filled with betrayal. He'd already come up with an excuse for this though:

"I took up rugby." He lied, unconvincingly.

PJ looked at the pale, skinny male. "Of _course_ you did. What really happened?"

Phil took a deep breath, and looked up at PJ, his face emotionless. Apart from his eyes, PJ noticed. His deep blue eyes were laced with pain.

"I really don't think it's any of your business." He stood up unsteadily, and made in the direction of the door.

"Phil, wait-" PJ called after him.

"Thanks for inviting us to stay, but I've got to leave now. Tell Dan where I went, and tell him I'm sorry I didn't stay." With those final words he opened the door and left. It slammed heavily behind him.


End file.
